How to make friends and build a network
Master adult social connections to round out your community
Sometimes I marvel at humanity’s ability to have good intentions, only to wind up with opposite results.
Consider all the aspirations of the internet to connect us and promises of social media to unite us, yet within the first generation of digital natives, the incidence of depression and suicide is higher than in previous cohorts.
Many media outlets have reported on the decline of friendship and of our broadening collective sense of loneliness and alienation. This saddens me deeply.
view from Mt. San Jacinto near Palm Springs
While virtual connections and niche online spaces have value, I still believe that our in-person, live connections are ultimately what make life worth living. The people we choose to share physical and mental space with make us laugh, bring us joy, and help keep us anchored in the present.
They also serve as the best inspiration and catalysts to self-actualization, through conversation, shared experience, and mutual rapport. These may include our close friends, mentors, colleagues, and families—be they biological or chosen.
Our economic reality encourages pervasive individuation and personal, private attainment. Yet we are lonely and unhappy.
So how can we counteract the prevailing trends? How can we sustain our most crucial and life-affirming connections? By remembering the key tenets of friendship and of building a network bit by bit.
I’m no expert, but I have always considered making new friends and keeping in touch with existing ones to be one of my superpowers.
Here are the ways I build (and keep) a rich and fulfilling network of friends, acquaintances, and contacts.
light shadows outside Palm Springs
How to make friends and build a network
Be open and be curious. At the most basic level, openness is a prerequisite to any form of connection. Smiling is always helpful, costs nothing, and will be positive for you too. While in public or in any social setting, I try to not be absorbed by my phone. I look up instead of down. I notice interesting details, acknowledge others’ presence, and adopt a general attitude of compassion and deference whenever I possibly can. In other words, I check my self-absorption level and attempt to be genuinely curious about the people around me, whether they’re complete strangers or close friends.
Make eye contact and remember names. The next level of intimacy beyond simple pleasantries is to meet the gaze of someone you’re facing or sharing space with. If you exchange introductions, remembering others’ names shows that you care enough to memorize and recall basic information about people other than yourself. If you’re “terrible with names,” the next best thing is to remember some details about the other person that you can recall the next time. Where they’re from, what they were wearing, what sort of work they do or what they’re passionate about.
Gauge their interest level. Not everyone you meet will become a close friend. This depends on your interest level as well as theirs. Being able to gauge this is key, so that you don’t misinterpret their invitation for coffee or to exchange phone numbers. Both of those acts could lead simply to a new professional connection to casually keep on hand, or a strong romantic connection that will inevitably become more intimate and special.
The Capri Club outdoor seating in Eagle Rock, LA
Start with small interactions and low-stakes obligations. In other words, don’t invite someone you just met to your very intimate birthday dinner party. Any time I meet someone I think could become a good friend, I grab coffee with them, maybe a glass of wine or a walk. In some cases, the people you meet in one arena may not be interested in moving beyond that arena—like people you see at the gym or bump into at larger functions. And, keep reciprocity in mind. Are you always the one to initiate, or is there a healthy give and take?
Move slowly toward increasing intimacy. Having someone over to your home is more intimate than meeting them in a public place. To me, once you have been invited into someone’s home as a guest, this is a good indicator that they like and accept you, and would like to bring you closer into their inner world. The same is true for things like introducing friends to your parents, or to your children. For most people, their family is sacred, and folding new faces into those interactions is intimate and special.
Be yourself. Show them who you are. Being genuine, vulnerable, and honest about your passions is key when moving beyond superficial acquaintances toward strong friendships. If they embrace you and you both “click,” you will know it and they will too. This is another reciprocal aspect of good relationships. If one side bares their soul but the other remains guarded, the interaction will feel imbalanced.
LA’s new 6th Street Bridge, connecting the Arts District to Boyle Heights
Don’t unload your trauma (at first). Everyone has baggage. However, not everyone takes the same approach to being personally responsible for how they handle their baggage. A wise friend once noted as a part of his birthday party invitation:
“Please no gifts, I only ask that you be mindful of the energy you bring to the space.”
I couldn’t agree more. With new or old friends, we want to be compassionate. But if the energy exchange always feels one-directional, it’s a quick way to sour a relationship. For heavy trauma lifting and processing, it’s best to hire professionals (therapists, counselors, etc.).
Bonus! Where to meet new friends and make new connections: Think about third places—those that aren’t home or work. This could be at the gym, at your favorite coffee shop, at the dog park, in adult sports leagues (like pickleball or bowling), in social organizations like Toastmasters, Alcoholics Anonymous, or volunteering at an animal shelter or other mission-based organization. You’re likely to meet people you click with doing things you already enjoy doing.
The trusty house or dinner party is where you’ll meet friends of friends, the actual secret to building a good network—to start with friends of friends. You could join or found an interest club, as suggested by Vox’s Rebecca Jennings.
How to keep friends and maintain your network
Keep in touch. Despite all our digital connectedness, physical proximity is still a huge advantage for any relationship. For anyone who isn’t physically near, the next best option is to make sure to keep in touch. This could mean texting regularly or catching up on the phone. If you’re like me and enjoy pen and paper, old fashioned snail mail is universally heartfelt and genuine. Even if you hate your handwriting, or feel awkward writing a note, it’s the effort that will shine through, no matter how far apart you are.
Writer Rhaina Cohen of The Atlantic has some suggestions about keeping friendships fresh by remaining playful:
“Our desire for playful connection doesn’t disappear after childhood. For some people, it gets redirected to romance. Couples mimic intense childhood friendships by spending free-flowing time together, marking the relationship with symbolic tokens such as rings, and developing a miniature culture, complete with inside jokes and a shared vernacular. But celebrating adult friendships in this way is rarer—and harder.”
Vintage browns in Silver Lake
Inquire about their lives. It’s all too easy to fall into self-absorption and busyness—I know this struggle too well. We all have chaotic lives full of ups and downs, changes, and evolutions. I find myself forgetting to chime in on family group chats and taking them for granted all the time. But remembering to ask about each other’s families, friends, health, jobs, or other interests and pursuits shows that we care—because we do!
Don’t keep score. Give loving kindness freely and without the expectation of reciprocation. No one is perfect, we all have blindspots. Sometimes we forget to tend to relationships, or we dive headfirst into a new job or budding romance. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that giving the people we love (or anyone for that matter) the benefit of the doubt is the gift that keeps on giving. If they value the connection, they’ll come back around and probably apologize for their oversights.
Always celebrate their wins as if they were your own. Some relationships, between friends or in families, can have an adversarial, competitive bent. Perhaps this is unavoidable, but I’ve found that the adult, mature, and abundant attitude to adopt is one of genuine joy on behalf of others, not envy or jealousy. Everyone moves on their own path, through deeply personal and individual trials, and thus achieves different things at different times. Celebrate all of the wins, and reap the positive momentum you feel, whether it’s your own win or that of a close connection.
Humans are a social species. Letting technology replace genuine connection would be a failure of human evolution, in my opinion.
If we remember the basic elements of friendship and of close relationships, and work not only to regularly establish new connections but also maintain existing ones, we will be happier and healthier, and be less swayed by the cold indifference of the virtual world.
View out my bedroom window
How to heal friendships and avoid full-blown conflict
Building new relationships and maintaining them are the antidotes to alienation, loneliness, and heartache. But inevitably, changes will occur within those bonds. We’re dynamic beings and thus, will see our lives and relationships shift as we change cities, change jobs, meet lovers, start families, etc.
So how can we honor the ebb and flow of life without feeling abandoned?
Expect evolution, to see different sides of your friends, family, and colleagues. I believe that the single most important predictor of long-term relationship resiliency is a mutual assumption of evolution. If both parties embrace the impermanence of certain conditions, proximity, and relationship dynamics, the easier it is for both sides to be open to each other’s natural evolution and to adjust their expectations.
I feel incredibly fortunate to have a family and many wonderful friends who have always embraced my personal growth. I’ve changed careers, moved to different cities, and probably grown more extreme in my political views. Yet I’ve never felt guilty or been shamed for doing so. We may not always agree with our friends’ or family members’ choices, but we can all accept that our journeys are ultimately individual, not decided by committee, and still enjoy the many fruits of life-long bonds.
Embrace forgiveness. I really hate to see people in conflict. I believe that most differences among friends, families, and the like can be solved with honest communication and a spirit of forgiveness. The world is already full of hatred, of grudges, and of unnecessary friction.
If we were all more willing to step up and speak up when we feel slighted, and communicate our hurt in a calm and factual way, there is no need for burned bridges or never-ending beefs. Ask for forgiveness, and give it compassionately.
This also goes for self-forgiveness, a key part of moving beyond self-critique and into self-love, which then extends from our selves toward all other beings.
I hope you enjoyed this post. Please share it with someone you live if you did.
Many thanks as always to my editor Susan and other supporters!