We're all a little messy

So give yourself and everyone you know a little grace

Maybe it’s just me and my life at the moment, but everyone seems frazzled right now. Frayed, overwhelmed, busier than they’d prefer to be. Ready for a break.

I aim to portray myself in a certain way to those around me whose opinions have real consequences in my life, in business and personal relationships. I want them to think I have everything under control. But I suspect the truth is that we're all a little messy.

So why can’t we openly acknowledge the elephant in the room?

Perhaps it’s just me and my point of view right now. I’m 38, in a sort of mid-life growth spurt, having recently moved cross-country, so my foundation feels a little shaky. My routines are off. I don’t feel fully confident or powerful. A lot of people around me seem to be undergoing a similar messy evolution, even if they’re killing it at work or happily in love.

It’s like, politics feel more extreme and contentious and ugly than ever before. The age of separatist rhetoric is high. Data that show we are all more alike and after the same things than we realize. Perceived polarization is the real enemy.

Mother nature continues to march toward extremes of temperature, wind, fire, or flood. Most people cope as best they can, given their own unique blend of mental and physical self-soothing techniques. But it’s almost always hit or miss—try, try again to find balance and peace amid the chaos. Some of us throw our hands up in frustration, while others work diligently to keep every plate spinning.

There’s an endless stream of content to absorb on every platform, so much that one could easily never reach the end. Yet everyone online seems to be speaking into the void, seeking any positive feedback and validation they can get. Or they’re absently consuming, lacking any real guardrails to who or what they give their attention, letting their emotions pinball around until they’re completely desensitized.

For my cohort of late 30s, early 40s millennials, the matter of aging parents is especially strange and disconcerting. We’re having to step in and reverse roles, parenting them as they slowly lose physical and mental function.

One friend’s mother was recently duped out of $15,000 in a bitcoin scam. Just like that, it vanished into the ether. Others are forgetful, moving more slowly, or becoming paranoid. They’re more delicate, but they’re also our amazing, brilliant, loving parents whom we hold in reverence.

I went on a date recently and realized, after talking about myself with a stranger, that more than a few aspects of my life are woefully underdeveloped. I must remind myself that everyone tackles life’s challenges and explores life’s opportunities in different orders, guided by different motivators that hinge on DNA, background, and in many cases, auspicious timing.

The truth that we so carefully try to avoid is that being messy is more normal than having everything under control (whatever that means). Being messy is akin to being alive. Can we practice acceptance of this constant messiness, rather than taking score and beating ourselves about our shortcomings? I’m working on cultivating that very emotional state—telling myself not only is it OK, it’s normal to be a work in progress.

Could we first extend to ourselves the same grace and empathy we give to our close friends and family, in their infinite complexity and imperfection, and then to every other human we encounter?

Could we treat brands, businesses, and corporate entities as no more than a collection of people, as equally fallible, errant, and messy as individuals? We want to right injustices, but we’re unwilling to simply forgive and forget.

I sense that we’d all be a little more relaxed if we knew that showing up to life as our full, messy selves wouldn’t cause us harm. That we wouldn’t ultimately be punished for being whole and real by our bosses, our clients, or society at large.

Unfortunately, so many of our institutions are built around subtle discrimination against personal messiness—things like insurance, government, and healthcare. This is something we should work on correcting. Order, control, and discipline are worthy goals in a capitalist, efficiency-as-king society. When they’re achieved, we feel incredible—for a while.

I’m reminded of famous minimalist and cleaner-upper Marie Kondo, who once famously said “I love mess!”

Why? Because messy is interesting, messy is real. Messy is fun. Messy is a new project, a new challenge. Messy holds our attention. While order and control are worthwhile goals, they can easily be boring, predictable and stale—at odds with human nature, and the inevitable flow of contrast and entropy in our lives.

Life always has a way of…lifeing. New problems crop up. New challenges rise out of the brilliant solutions to past problems. Our lives are a continual cycle of creation and destruction, of boom and bust, of mess and order. The best we can do is honor all of it, in our own sphere and in the way others show up in our lives. All the weirdness I mentioned at the beginning? It’s normal and natural. It’s OK that things fall apart.

Honor the mess, love the mess.

Cheerfully sweep like the zen master, knowing you’ll probably have to do it all again tomorrow.