to achieve more harmony, go with the flow

and release your grip on control

Chances are, you’ve found yourself at odds with the world around you at one time or another.

Circumstances aren’t ideal, outcomes are unexpected, maybe the other people in your day were all testy. It can feel like everything is going sideways—a sort of cruel cosmic joke, with you as the punchline.

I’ve encountered this state many times in my past, and it can throw me into dark, existential fits of frustration, resentment, and hopelessness. Why is everything so difficult?, I would think.

Over time, these recurring negative cycles hurt, causing physical and mental disease and poisonous cynicism. I saw it in myself and I see it in so many other people.

Our society’s obsession with control could be to blame. Clinging to control is stressful. It means that we’re inflexible, unwilling to change our minds or adopt new views based on new information. We don’t know how to let go.

As a cautious and meticulous person, I like to think that I have “thought of everything”—until it becomes clear that I haven’t. And then I’m distressed.

I believe we must reconsider our relationship with control if we are to achieve more harmony.

Here are a few ways to relinquish control and aim for harmony.

“Date night”

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Embrace uncertainty

For years, I approached the world in the binary. Is he gay or is he straight? Am I happy or am I sad? Does this feel good or does it feel scary? Can’t it be both (or somewhere in between)?

This black and white thinking can seem quite efficient at first, making it easy to glide through life’s tough decisions and forks with relative simplicity. Problem is, very few things in life are so absolute, so definitely at one end of the continuum or the other. By thinking this way, we miss the beautiful nuance of life, the contradictions and curiosities and coincidences.

Some people struggle to accept ambiguity, like myself. We have a cognitive dissonance about ???????? situations or relationships and it breeds fear of the unknown.

For example: I enjoy fashion and the pursuit of a well-rounded closet, while I also worry about the catastrophic externalities associated with consumption and waste.

Perhaps the answer is not all or nothing, but somewhere in between, like moderation and balance—evaluating cases, moments, and decisions individually rather than needing to adopt a hard rule.

In situations relating to myself or when observing others, I find it soothing to think upon the issue or question in a kind and forgiving manner, concluding that whatever it is, is OK. And I will adapt.

“First love”

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Be curious

Another way to frame black and white thinking is in terms of our fixation with final judgment. 

In most criminal courts, we decide guilt or innocence, but allow for little in the way of victim-perpetrator resolution and rehabilitation. Where is forgiveness in our justice system?

As a single person, I notice that I snap to judgment about my potential love interests if they aren’t exactly what I have in mind, moving right along to the next match, enabled by endless app-enabled swiping. 

My attitude was, if the vibe is off on the first date, it’s a no. That doesn’t leave much room for the many facets of human personalities, or the concepts of initial shyness, first-date jitters. It takes longer than a meal to understand a new connection.

In recent years I’ve adopted the view that perhaps friendship is the best prerequisite to romance, and that it’s better to keep expectations low and communication open in order to develop richer interactions, over time.

Likewise, many of us tend to self-evaluate constantly, judging ourselves as we judge others. We see the life we have and if it doesn’t match an ideal, we feel bad about it.

Certainly there are achievements and experiences we should strive for, but all we have is now, is the present. If we can’t make peace with what is, what do we have? Gratitude is one way I bring focus to the positives of the present while momentarily forgetting my goals and dreams.

Moon shot from Six Flags Magic Mountain last weekend

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Be flexible

It has always made me chuckle that we criticize politicians for “flip-flopping” on issues. Who ever said we should have a clear opinion on a great many topics, and are never allowed to intake new information?

I believe our collective expectation of perfect consistency is flawed. 

Sure, some political flip-flopping may be dishonest and opportunistic, and many politicians are downright contradictory. But many leaders, like each of us, are bound to have epiphanies and mind-altering experiences that open our eyes to new concepts and ideas.

I think this is healthy, normal, and to be celebrated rather than mocked. If the reasoning is sound, then why not embrace the new side of a friend, a lover, or a public figure, and adjust your own thinking therein?

In my own life, I see who my true friends are by noting their reaction when I feel the need to evolve (which I do frequently). Are they supportive, or do they take issue? 

It’s a red flag if someone clings to a specific version of me, and I try with great effort to give others the same space to change.

“Float me”

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Seek harmony

Harmony, unlike control and its various masks, allows for much greater openness to possibilities, but it requires faith in something bigger than ourselves, a certain humbleness about our smallness in this world, and a willingness to relinquish control and be adaptable.

Adaptation may be one of humankind’s greatest strengths. I know this because I have experienced many diverse living conditions, states of being, and working experiences, and somehow managed to glean wisdom from and find satisfaction in all of them.

There are things we deeply desire to control in our lives, for fear of going wildly off script or ending up somewhere terrible.

In my experience, my efforts to control typically end in disappointment, whereas my moments of faith—of going with the flow of what has been put in front of me—results in a pleasant surprise.

Part of the practice of flow is to integrate stillness into our lives. For me, more stillness has led to greater gratitude, and gratitude has led to appreciation for what is, rather than constantly comparing my current to my ideal.

Harmony arrives when we make peace with the present, allow ourselves and others the grace to be complex and contradictory, and we honor the range of human experience, in bad times and good.

When we reduce our need to control outcomes, we loosen our grip on fear and absolutism, and embrace the beautiful flow of life.

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Many thanks to my friends, family, supporters, and cheerleaders.

I am, as always, infinitely grateful to Susan, my editor and advisor.

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