Following my gut even when my heart hurts

LA —> Tampa

It’s not goodbye forever, just goodbye for a while.

Life, in its infinite potential, now points me back across the country to be back with my tribe. Older, wiser, with more grays and a renewed inner confidence.

Seven years ago I left the place I knew and began a quest for diversity and for experience. Ultimately it was also a quest for inner truth. I wrestled over questions like who am I? What is my purpose? What’s my goal? Will I be happy when I get there?

I was also grieving a loss. I didn’t know then how much grief was driving my decisions—turning me away from anything familiar and toward all that was new and novel. Away from the pain of death.

At the time, California seemed like the place to be. That wild west, the dynamic edge of our nation. The world’s 4th largest economy. A place where progressives rule. In many ways it is indeed a paradise. On ecological diversity, its range of striking landscapes, flora and fauna, are unmatched.

And a funny thing happened. I found myself. I looked in dark corners and examined painful truths, in ways I never could have had I not left my home. I needed space and distance from the tribe to understand these parts of myself. What’s wrong with me? became what makes me special?

I also fell in love with myself, in LA. I worked on embracing those parts I used to hate, on owning my quirks, and accepting myself as whole and enough. LA is a city of misfits and dreamers, the perfect place to be proudly eccentric. Through shadow work, reading books, and sharing my journey with others, I hushed the perfectionism of my ego in favor of something more soothing: the compassion and love in my soul.

In California I found professional advancement and growth, but the separation from my deepest roots left me longing. The aspects of myself that I once yearned to run away from kept surfacing as precisely what make me unique—being an empath, an advocate, and a caretaker. The people I once turned away from turned out to be my unwavering supporters.

As it turns out, I really missed them. And they missed me!

But I wouldn’t change anything about my time away.

I’ve met incredible people in LA who’ve given me the most wonderful gifts. Gifts of love and acceptance. Gifts of quality time, inside jokes, and thoughtful wisdom. Above all, it's people who make life worth living, and I would have probably left sooner were it not for my community. I found a wonderful barber and a fabulous housekeeper. I became the go-to dog- and cat-sitter for all of my friends.

Nevertheless, I often felt lonely. I began to feel alienated and invisible in a city made famous by its culture of individualism and main character energy. I suppose any large city with lots of churn and transience is bound to feel anonymous. At first this didn’t bother me—everything was exciting and new and anonymity was pleasant.

But my feelings began to shift when I could sense my priorities shifting.

Instead of stimulation, I now crave simplicity and ease. Peace and connection with spirit are my new goals. LA is a place of infinite options, ceaseless chaos, and like sharks in water, it requires constant movement and upheaval. Like the ground beneath us, nothing feels especially permanent or stable here. The pressure—of limited space and outpaced demand—is simply too great.

And yet, some of my biggest lightbulb moments arrived through silent struggle, from solitude and reflection—in the shower or out walking. I began to let go of who I thought I was and who society was telling me to be. I listened closely to the little voice inside me saying is this really it?

I’m blessed and beyond grateful to have both people who’re upset with me for leaving LA and people back home who’re excited for my return. It’s a special scenario to be both profoundly sad and supremely excited for a move like this.

I’ve learned that there’s no right and wrong in life, no black or white situations. Only trade offs and compromises. All we can do is make the best choices with our present conditions, and above all, give and accept love freely among those we encounter.

From living here, getting to know myself better, being inspired by the spectacle around me, finding true mirrors in so many of my friends, and exploring books, podcasts, and new forms of wisdom like tarot readers, it’s become clear to me that love is the answer to all of the questions I mentioned before. (Unabashedly) Loving oneself, (lavishly) loving others, and in service to the whole, extending love and compassion to everyone else you encounter too.

At this moment, it feels like our world is full of hate. Otherness wins out over togetherness, and it’s really scary. Competition over collaboration, pettiness over grace. But I think the answer is simple—to be nicer to one another and empathize with the shared struggle of living in our world right now.

It goes without saying that I’ll miss everyone here immensely. But as I said, it’s not goodbye forever, just goodbye for a while. There’ll be reunions, shared travel, and like I handle every relationship near or far, we’ll pick up where we left off someday.

I love you. I love LA.

Now it's time to return to my home with love in my heart.